Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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