So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
