Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
