Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
