Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
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I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
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How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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