End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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