Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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