If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
