Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
