I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
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I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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