If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
