I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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