I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
