every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
