Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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