and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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