I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
