not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
