Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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