On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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