wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
