hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Someone shit on the floor
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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