I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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