Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
