My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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