you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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