She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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