Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
