I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
