your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
