I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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