I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Two words: blizzard sex
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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