I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
