Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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