your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
