I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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