Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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