I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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