More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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