if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
