apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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