They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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