last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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