peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
