I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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