its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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