Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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