if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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