The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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