he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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