Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
