she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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