this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
