he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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