I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you win again, gameday.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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