it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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