just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
