my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
