perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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