dude i'm inner monologue high
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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