Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
