I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
