so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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