I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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